just a little something that’s been on my mind lately.

Recently a close friend of mine told me that she’s in a new relationship……….with a woman. She says this is her first time ever doing something like this and she’s not sure if it’s just a fling or something that will blossom. While she was telling me this I just listened, quietly. I also didn’t ask any questions nor offer any advice. I just listened. She told me that she initially told the girl that she wasn’t interested however every time she saw her she just kept experiencing feelings that wouldn’t go away. So she decided she’d give it a try. 

Now naturally, there are still a lot of questions in my mind but I’d just rather leave them unanswered for now. I didn’t feel shocked or surprised by it at all but not in the sense of “I expected” that from her because I would have never.  I guess I wasn’t shocked because I see her for who she is. I love everything about her. She has a beautiful soul, a gravitating personality, she’s one of my best friends. And with that, I think everyone deserves happiness. At the end of our conversation I just offered a few encouraging words ”love is love and I love you regardless” because that’s what a true friend is.

Now the point I’m getting at has nothing to do with that situation or anyone’s preferences. My point is more of a question and that’s…

Do we deny ourselves to love fearlessly?

Not just others but ourselves included.

I think we do. I know I do.  I guess we’re all guilty or have been guilty of it in some aspect. We’re all imperfect. We all want love. 

Why do we deny ourselves the gift of love?

I believe the answer is, Fear.

Being fearless is surely not an easy thing to do, which brings me back to my friend. This is probably what I admire about her the most, her ability to be fearless. The decision to let love be without fear. It’s beautiful because for some strange reason this is inspiring me in various aspects of my life. Allowing yourself to love without reservations. 

I am a work in progress. It’s hard for me to be open. It’s difficult for me to accept my insecurities. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to be affectionate. Vulnerability terrifies me. Not knowing what I want from this life makes me uneasy.

I know that I can’t truly offer love until I’m able to accept these things. Which is why I remain single. Not by chance, not by circumstance, but by choice. 

Sometimes I pray that God sends someone -like a prince in the night..who can teach me to be fearless because I’m not sure that I can do it on my own. I know that everything is planned according to his will, so I will wait. 

In the meantime I’ve made a promise with myself to start loving fearlessly.

Starting with me. 

Not respecting someones feelings about something. No matter how trivial or irrelevant it may seem to you, it is never your place to cross the boundaries that someone has drawn. That type of shit will get you exiled from my life. Period.

I want to feel inspired, again. 

- I had the craziest dream earlier today. I swear my dreams are always complete sci-fi movies. I said I was going to start writing them all down but somehow I never really get around to it…Anyway this one started off with me and some people on a school bus. Then we ended up in some type of mall/airport like place trying to find our way out. The person I was with pressed the elevator button and when she went to get in, the floor was gone and she fell down the elevator shaft, broke her back and was screaming and wiggling like a worm for help. Then she started screaming again but this time it was haunting. Something was after her. Long story short she ended up stabbed up by this monster nobody saw. The craziest thing to me though in all my dreams like this I’m always somewhere LOST and it’s always like an outer body experience scenario. Like the climax is all happening to me but I’m outside of my body watching it….weird….lol. 

- Anyway, my sleep schedule is all screwed up again *sigh*

- Jill Scott’s Storytellers segment was fucking AHMAZING! whew I love that woman.

- I’m hungry. 

- I am truly blessed to have been able to experience true, unconditional friendships. I’m thankful for even the one’s that have ended, because now looking back I know that everyone I had the opportunity to cross paths with served a purpose. There’s a season for everything, love, family and friendships. Sometimes those seasons run their course but it’s something about those very experiences that really humbles you. For that I am truly grateful. 

- k. I had other stuff to say but that’s all I’ve got for now. 

I’d seen him once or twice before, just in passing and the scent of his Armani cologne lingered in the back of my mind for what seemed like a multitude of seasons. A while had gone by and what once was a gratifying yearning for something that was possibly within my grasp suddenly became a distant & intangible memory. But my longing for him was only short lived.

I saw him again, on an elevator filled to its capacity, there he stood, in front of me. My five foot five frame vanished in the mirrored doors as I positioned my back against the wall and made room as the final occupant entered. The exterior lining of his suit brushed lightly against my hand as he eased backwards just a bit. I felt a brief pulsation in my chest as he turned in my direction and fashioned his mahogany lips to say “Excuse Me” I timidly smiled and replied “No Problem”. After a few weeks which turned into a few months, passed, I began to become accustomed to his routine. Not by choice but by circumstance. It was as if our alarms simultaneously echoed, as if our toast got crisp just past 7:15 because every morning we’d cross paths in that elevator. We’d say our cordial hellos, brief conversation, even became familiar by name. But the scent of his cologne never lingered past the 12th floor, not for me anyway. He had business to attend to and so did I. When the florescent numbers lit up & colored the number 12 in red, that was my cue, the soft chime forced my imagination to subside back to my reality as I reached my floor. He’d tell me to “Take Care” as I exited and I’d reply “Thanks, Have a Good Day”. I wondered if my sweet scent lingered as he stood alone on that elevator awaiting his destination, little did I know I’d soon have my answer…

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Lotus Flower Bomb does something to my spirit. I adore Miguel’s voice. Like, my soul drips down the walls every time he sings. 

I’m very serious.

I wish he’d stop teasing us with these short ass EP’s. 

I hate Wale tho. 

I don’t understand why ppl want to hook me up so bad with a mate. I mean damn, is it THAT bad? They act like I’m sitting around with my 14 cats knitting sweaters or some shit. I’m 28 years old. I mean I’m not THAT old. Do they think I’m lonely? I mean I’m actually pretty content with being alone at the moment. 

So the current situation is that my SISTER (( let the horror music commence)) is trying to set me up with some dude she works out at the gym with…and this is extremely weird to me. 

A. My sis and I don’t always have the best relationship

B. What’s wrong with this guy?

C. Something’s gotta be wrong, right?

D. She keeps telling me i should come up there and meet him.

E. Is this a setup?

F. Naw bruh.

G. Why would you even want to meet someone you’ve never seen or met?

H. I’ve been sitting home eating cupcakes and bun buns I don’t want him to get the wrong impression that I’m remotely interested in working out :-/ (I’m slightly kidding, I want to start back but NOT THERE) 

100. wtf do EYE look like walking into a place I haven’t been to in over a year to meet YOUR stranger bitch friend? O_O 

………………

do. not. want.

like, this is really comical to me. my sister KNOWS how I am and I don’t do this kinda shit so this is really tripping me out….and here’s the kicker he has a baby mama. * throws air punches * REALLY?? (not that there’s anything wrong with that) I just personally, can’t deal with baby mamas on any level.

but I mean he keeps PRESSING to meet and take me out. WHY?

and now she wants me to start back coming up there to workout with her and I told her that would NEVER happen now because I can just FEEL some sneak shit coming on……..

ok and despite how friendly a lot of ppl perceive me to be…I am REALLY not that friendly lol…I’m quiet and standoff’ish until I get to know you.

O_O

Seriously, Explain. 

watching Good Times, it’s the episode where Keith bitch slaps Thelma. This episode made me so angry. JJ and Michael were supposed to BEAT HIM DAHN. They ain’t do shit. Bastids.

and how the hell did this fool break his ACL just by tripping over JJ? Da fuck? These niggas never had a good damn time! 

In other news I really hate the feeling of missing someone..especially when I know that it’s not mutual. I’m not good at expressing my feelings or showing love..because it makes me feel weak. I don’t like feeling weak. It’s like I’m allowing someone to control those emotions which makes me…angry.

Now i’m watching Lincoln Heights..on mute. This show makes me angry too. Like, the last time I watched this the gang banger dude said “well ain’t that serendipitous?” …………. X_____X wtf? How are you a thug with an expanded vocabulary? Let me find out thugs be readin’.

Sometimes I question why I’m even here. I feel like i’m just existing.

:-/

I can’t keep friends. I think somethings wrong with me. I mean I know I’ve changed but aren’t you supposed to? 

and how the hell did Cee-lo’s ass get rid of Jamar on The Voice?!?!?! That was sooooooo much bullshit!!!!